Why friendships take time after a move abroad

Adults often expect children to “just make friends” within a few weeks, because children seem so quick to play together. But playing alongside someone and having a friend you can count on are very different things. Your child may be chatting to classmates by the second week and still feel completely alone.

Research on adults gives a useful sense of scale. A study by Jeffrey Hall at the University of Kansas, published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, looked at 355 adults who had relocated within the previous six months and 112 first-year university students. The university’s summary of the findings reports that it took roughly 40–60 hours together to move from acquaintance to casual friend, 80–100 hours to become a friend, and more than 200 hours to become a good friend. The study also found that how the time was spent mattered: leisure time together and everyday conversation predicted growing closeness.

These figures come from adults, not children, so treat them as a rough guide rather than a rule. The message still applies: friendship is built from many shared hours, and a child who has just arrived hasn’t had those hours yet. Six hours a day in the same classroom doesn’t all count, because much of it is spent working rather than talking.

Moving abroad adds its own layers. A 2022 systematic review of research on “third culture kids” (children who grow up outside their parents’ home country) in Frontiers in Psychology reviewed 14 studies and listed difficulty making new friends among the stressful factors children faced. The same review found that family cohesion was linked to better quality of life and adjustment, and that a longer time at the school was one of the factors associated with better adjustment. In other words, time and a steady home base both help.

A realistic timeline for the first year

There is no official schedule for settling in, and the research we found does not give one for children. The table below is not a research finding. It is a general picture, based on the idea that friendship grows with shared time, to help you decide whether what you are seeing is roughly on track. Every child is different.

International schools add a twist: other families are arriving and leaving all the time. That can help (there are other new children looking for friends) and hurt (a new friend may leave at the end of the year). Both are normal parts of expat school life.

The key word is direction. You are not looking for a full social life by half-term. You are looking for small signs of movement: a name mentioned twice, a child who waved at pick-up, a request to sit with someone on a trip.

How it differs by age

Children at different ages make and keep friends in different ways, so the same move can feel quite different to a seven-year-old and a fourteen-year-old. The Raising Children Network, an Australian government-funded parenting website, notes that in the early school years children often play with different children across the week, while school-age children tend to have one or two close friends plus a wider group. For 9–18 year olds, it describes friendships as becoming “more intense, close and supportive.”

Teenagers may also be less willing to let you help. A thirteen-year-old may not want you to arrange anything that looks like a “playdate.” The Child Mind Institute’s advice on moving with children notes that for many children, losing close friends is the hardest part of relocating, and that younger children in particular thrive on routine and predictability. For older children, the most useful thing you can offer is often opportunity and privacy rather than direct intervention.

What you can do through the school

School is where your child spends most of their day, so it is the place where small changes make the biggest difference. The Raising Children Network suggests meeting your child’s teacher within the first week or two at a new school, and building relationships with teachers and other parents from the very first day.

It also helps to know your child’s week. Ask which part of the day is hardest. For many children it is not lessons but unstructured time: lunch, breaks, the bus. Once you know, you and the teacher can think about that part specifically, for example a lunchtime club that gives your child somewhere to go.

Clubs, activities and hosting

Because friendship grows with shared time, the most useful thing you can do outside school is to create repeat time with the same children. A weekly activity with the same group does more than a string of one-off events. The Raising Children Network suggests extracurricular activities that match your child’s interests, and describes playdates as a good way for children to make new friends and strengthen new bonds.

For hosting, keep it small and short. One child for a couple of hours, with a simple activity planned, is often easier than a group. The Raising Children Network suggests preparing together beforehand, such as putting precious toys away and planning some activities, then giving children space to play while staying nearby. For teenagers, it recommends offering a space in your home where they can spend time with friends: food and a room where they can be left alone go a long way.

Try not to fill every evening. A tired child who is working hard at a new school in a new country also needs time to recover. One or two regular activities is usually enough to start with.

Keeping old friendships alive online

Many parents wonder whether staying in touch with friends back home helps or holds a child back. Both the Raising Children Network and the Child Mind Institute encourage helping children keep in touch with old friends after a move. The Child Mind Institute also notes that it is healthy for children to thrive in the place they are now, even while they miss the place they left.

In practice, old friends can be a lifeline in the first months: someone who already knows your child and likes them. The aim is balance, so that old friendships are a source of comfort rather than a place to hide from the new school.

Normal loneliness, or something more?

Some sadness after a move is expected. Missing friends, family and home is a healthy response to a real loss. The NHS notes that children often find change difficult and may become anxious after a house move or when starting a new school. The question is not whether your child is sad, but whether the sadness is easing over time or spreading into the rest of their life.

On timing, HealthyChildren.org (from the American Academy of Pediatrics) advises seeking professional help if school avoidance lasts more than a week, starting with your child’s paediatrician. Among the causes it lists are problems with peers, such as being teased. The NHS advises seeing a GP if a child’s anxiety is severe, persists and interferes with everyday life, and suggests involving the school too. If you live abroad, your family doctor, an international clinic, or the school can usually point you to local child mental health services.

When and how to talk to the school counsellor

Many international schools have a counsellor or pastoral team. You don’t need to wait for a crisis to contact them. Both the Raising Children Network and the NHS suggest involving the school when you are worried about a child’s friendships or anxiety, and the Raising Children Network mentions a school counsellor as a possible next step after speaking to the teacher. Consider reaching out if the signs in the right-hand column above last for more than a couple of weeks, if your child asks to talk to someone, or if the teacher raises concerns.

Tell your child before you contact the counsellor, especially if they are older. Framing matters: “The counsellor helps lots of new students settle in” is easier to accept than “I’m worried something is wrong with you.” If the counsellor thinks more support is needed, they can usually suggest outside professionals.

When the setting itself is part of the problem

Most children do build friendships in time with the kind of support above. Sometimes, though, the setting makes it harder: a very large year group where groups have already formed, a school where most children share a language your child doesn’t speak, or a family that expects to move again soon. In those cases it is reasonable to think about the environment, not only about your child. Here is how the main options compare in general.

An online group is not a replacement for in-person friendship. Children still need to run around, play and see friends face to face, so families who choose online learning usually need to build local activities alongside it. What an online setting can offer is continuity: the same classmates whether you stay or move again.

One option built around a stable small group: NIJIN GLOBAL ACADEMY

NIJIN GLOBAL ACADEMY (NGA) is an online international school for ages 6–18, run by NIJIN, the company behind this site. We mention it because a few parts of its design relate directly to friendship after a move: a small group that stays the same, and a school that doesn’t change when the family’s address does. It will not suit every child, and the limitations below matter as much as the features.

NGA’s FAQ also says classes run in an environment outsiders can’t freely enter, and that mentors watch over online interactions. Optional Cambridge IGCSE and A-Level courses are available for older students.

Frequently asked questions

Sources used for this article

Moving often? Keep one thing the same

For families who relocate around Asia and Oceania, NIJIN GLOBAL ACADEMY offers a small online class that stays with your child through a move, with no entrance exam or English requirement. Tuition is yet to be announced, and the school opens in September 2027.

Visit NIJIN GLOBAL ACADEMY